Updated: Jan 5
You are not weak for needing time to sort through this...
Time is but a moment, yet it refuses to stand still. It pushes onward, forward, sometimes against our will.
Recognize that life has changed you, that you are changed. You need to process that, and you need to sort through that. There is no time frame on rebuilding your life...
I felt, no I know, I am a late bloomer. Not for lack of wanting something different, I just couldn't. I felt fear, insecurities, mistrust. I was paralyzed in a way. As much as I wanted more, to do more, to be more, I couldn't. So I stayed safe in my own world surrounded by family, people who understood, people who allowed me to move through life as I needed... I functioned. This may sound like a contradiction, but it really wasn't. I functioned well, well enough in my boundaries. I did everything I needed to in my private world. I had friends, exceptional family and I raised two girls. We did everything a family should, school, school activities, camping, holidays. And I was happy, I found joy.
But I had a secret, or I felt it was a secret, for anyone who didn't know me.. it was a secret and it made me feel dirty. I felt ownership of something that had nothing to do with me. I took the blame and questioned myself constantly. How did this happen, how did I let this happen? What had I done, did I say something, did I lead someone on making them believe they could take what they wanted, take it violently with no regard for the lasting effect it would have on me and my family.
So, I never said I was more than coping... but I realize now that it didn't mean I was weak for needing time... I carried those lies for years and needed the time to sort through it.